WHAT IS THE POINT IN A RELATIONSHIP

Your relationship doesn’t matter. You Matter.

First published at Medium.com

We’ve forgotten why we seek out relationships.

Society has created an expectation of what we should want as we grow older and find a partner; commitment, sex, living together, marriage, children, etc. There might be a few tweaks and changes in the exact details, but essentially these are what make up “A Relationship”.

Wrong.

Relationships are more than a wrapper for the things you want in your life. They have a point on their own. And in forgetting this we are at best limiting our potential, and at worst actively putting ourselves in danger.

* * * * *

As soon as I hit my teenage years, I wanted to be in a relationship.

Just like everyone else that age I had hormones raging every which way. I’d gone from having no interest in the opposite sex to having a desperate desire for the opposite sex that I hoped no one could see.

And mixed in with that physical desire was a desire for the status of being in a relationship. To be seen as an adult, rather than a child. Because of course, it seems that only the cool kids were in relationships.

Then as I grew older, I saw relationships differently. I believed — even if I never really thought about it directly — that I was looking for someone to spend my life with. My relationships may have started on a sexual level, but it was understood that in the long term we were looking for companionship with the intent to one day raise children.

But now I can see these are all things we get from a relationship. The trappings, as it were. Each important in their own way, but not the actual reason for the relationship itself.

So what is the point of a relationship?

Let’s take a look at three of the main points that are traditionally considered part of a committed, long-term relationship — sex, procreation, and life-long companionship — and see if we can find a universal thread between them.

(Yes, I know there is more to relationships than this, but for the sake of keeping this article at a readable length let’s just focus on these three.)

Sex

For most people — although not all, of course — sex is a big part of a relationship. Traditionally, it was something you couldn’t even have until you were married. Even now, some still wait, and the majority of people believe it should only happen within the bounds of a monogamous relationship.

But we also know the sexual energy between two people changes over time. A couple’s sex life will not be the same after twenty years as it was in the first few weeks. There will be ups and downs; with times when it’s white-hot and thrilling, times where it’s comfortable and safe, and times where it might not be happening at all.

Procreation

Traditionally, most people in a committed relationship will be wanting to have children. Great. Kids are great. Little versions of you to watch grow and develop over time. Getting to mold them into real people, just in time for them to look after you in return as you get old.

And that’s no easy task. Children grow and change at an alarming rate. First, you have a baby, then a toddler, child, teenager, and suddenly they are off on their own. By the time you’ve got a handle on them, they’ve become something different.

Companionship

No one wants to be alone. Time for yourself is important, but deep down most of us want to know there is someone there for us. Someone who has our back. Who shares your interests, and has the same long-term goals as you do.

But we all change. You are not the same person you were ten years ago, and your partner won’t be the same person they are now ten years into the future. New experiences and new ideas will come and go, shaping you with the years.

* * * * *

And what word appeared across all of these?

Change.

Or, to put it a slightly deeper way, growth.

The point of a relationship — any relationship, romantic or not — is personal growth.

The people we choose to have in our lives should be the ones who allow us to grow. Who provide encouragement to develop into our best selves. Who are there to support us, to learn with us, to share the experiences that make us better, more fulfilled people.

And if the two of you are suited, this will feedback on each other. You will be better people together, becoming the catalysts that allow you to both become better people than you would be separately.

This is the point of having a relationship.

And once we see this, we can recognize the danger not seeing this puts us in.

A relationship is not something to be maintained for its own sake.

It’s there to be part of your growth as a person. If this isn’t happening, what the point of it?

Too often, we fall into the trap of thinking relationships are a requirement. The package we must embrace to be accepted in society. That having the things other people think you should have is something that has to be done.

We need to normalize the idea that this mindset is dangerous.

A relationship that is not nurturing your growth is at best causing you to stagnate. But at worst, it could be actively harmful.

How many people remain in dead, loveless marriages because separating “just isn’t done”? Or remain with abusive partners because of the fear of what other people will say?

When the social stigma of divorce is more terrifying to someone than a partner who abuses them, what does that say about our society?

* * * * *

At the end of the day, your relationships are here to serve you, not the other way around.

This doesn’t mean a relationship doesn’t need maintenance. As you grow and change, your relationship will need to adapt to meet these changes. And often then requires proactive word, from both you and your partner.

And you do this because you see that you are both better off in the relationship. Everyone has rough patches, but these are normally a sign of change that hasn’t been fully addressed.

And if you do come to the conclusion that there is no way the relationship is still one that benefits you, it’s not a sign of failure if you decide to end it.

It should not be considered socially unacceptable for two people to sit down and mutually decide their time together has run its course. Or, more importantly, for someone to make that decision on their own, if necessary.

So remember, your relationship is a tool of your personal growth. Not the other way around.

Your relationship doesn’t matter.

You matter.